As a teenager, when I thought about being a girl, I often imagined myself as being pregnant. Like many trans women of my generation, I ended up getting married as a male. When I proposed I made it conditional on there being no children as I didn’t think I could cope with being a father (my fiancée knew about my trans feelings). As happens, things changed, and I couldn’t deny someone I cared about the opportunity to have children when I so much wanted to be a mother myself.
I have two children. They are both adults now but once they were safely born my wife decided that it was unsafe for them to have a father who was a transsexual and divorced me. The court banned me from having any contact with the children.
I’m telling you this because I have managed to get some contact now the kids are adults, and I want other people in my position to know that there is hope.
Someone suggested that I try agencies that deal with connecting mothers with children that they have given up for adoption. The official charities I tried all refused to help. One started asking leading questions to try to identify me – I think they were intending to report me to the police. However, one recommended a freelancer who was willing to help me. I got email from my son last Christmas.
Obviously it is very difficult. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who would have made a great father. I wish we had been able to have contact with my kids while they were still kids so he could have had that opportunity.
I have no idea whether I would have been any good as a mother, but at least I tried my best for the kids. The divorce court tried to bankrupt me, setting support payments far higher than I could afford and still have a home. Thankfully my ex and I came to an agreement and I paid what I could.
Of course, once I transitioned my earning potential plummeted but thanks to my boyfriend and my mother, I was able to live rent free at times when I barely had enough income to cover the support payments.
I have no idea what my kids have been told about me. I am very proud of them. I guess they probably despise me, but I’ll still try to be there for them if they need me.
I’d warmly recommend the freelance counsellor who helped me reconnect with my kids: Carolynne Bull.
My boyfriend has been wonderful throughout.
Don’t give up hope.