I see myself as genderqueer, closer to male – a trans man.
I became aware that I wanted children around age 25 and started to think about it seriously at about 28. I now have two grown-up children, conceived with my partner of the time.
Basically, I was so desperate for children – but so pessimistic about finding a long-term partner – I chose the first decent-looking male as an unknowing sperm donor.
Low self-esteem made me very difficult to live with, and not being at all at ease in the traditional gender role of mother did not help. Still think I’d have made a better father.
My elder daughter was five when I found myself single again, which was extremely difficult. This forced me into thinking of my children at all times instead of trying to find stability for myself and it had a poor effect on my mental health: I am cyclothymic*. I was also prevented from coming to terms with my gender identity, which caused additional stress.
What helped me were happy pills, the local LGBT association, resources put online by organisations in different countries and having time to think for myself now the children are independent.
* Mental health charity Mind defines cyclothymic disorder as: short periods of mild depression and short periods of hypomania.