Supporting People

The importance of boundaries

Most LGBTI groups in Scotland operate without any paid staff so it can feel difficult to take time off or to set limits when people need us. But when we do not set any boundaries, we quickly become burnt out and/or experience compassion fatigue.

Setting and maintaining boundaries means we have more realistic expectations of ourselves, and that we do not promise things we cannot deliver:

Boundaries are important for LGBTI people working with and supporting other LGBTI people, whether this is in our jobs, through community groups, or in our personal lives. Because we may have experienced some of the impacts of minority stress ourselves, there is a risk of being too close to certain issues or over-identifying.

It may be painful or difficult to re-live experiences, and we may find some things triggering. We may feel pulled to go above and beyond the line of duty, as we have greater empathy for what someone is going through, or we could feel that we need to act as a ‘role model’. The LGBTI world can feel small at times too, and we may encounter people we have supported professionally, in our personal lives.^[37] All these factors make positive boundary building essential.

Identifying boundaries and reflecting on these

What is a boundary? A boundary is a ‘defining line’ that can be used to decide what is, or is not, ok for you. Boundaries are individual to each person and help us to know ourselves. Some people may have boundaries which are too strong i.e., never letting people in, and others may have boundaries which are not strong enough.

It is common for our professional and personal boundaries to blur and overlap. Thinking about each of these and where they intersect is key to a good balance.

Naming your boundaries

The first step to maintaining positive boundaries is to work out “what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed”.^[38] We are often unaware of our personal and professional boundaries, and that makes it hard to identify when those have been crossed. If we do not name our boundaries, we may feel stress and anxiety without knowing why.

These exercises should enable you to start reflecting on where your boundaries work for you, where they do not, where they are unclear or where they are missing entirely.

Exercise One ^[39]

Start by thinking about the professional boundaries that are important to you when supporting LGBTI people. Write these down. You might want to think about:

• What are my boundaries with those I support? Do I feel comfortable with the information I disclose to people e.g., personal things in my life, home contact numbers etc.
• What standard of work do others expect of me and how much do I expect of myself? Do I feel that the work I am doing is within my competence, or am I out of my depth?
• Do I work or volunteer at set times each day or week? Do I continually work more than my contracted hours, or give more time to my volunteering roles than I feel I can?
• What are my boundaries like with my colleagues? Do I understand my roles and responsibilities? Do other people know these? Am I communicating what I need?
• Am I over-sharing and over-identifying with people? Do I tolerate micro-aggressions or abuse from others because I am in a supportive role?
• What are my boundaries like between my professional and personal life? Are there any?
• What is the environment like around me? Do I have what I need to be able to do the things I need to, and that matter to me?

Some boundaries may be more general and longer term, others may be more specific and shorter term, for example, with a particular colleague or someone you currently support.

Once you have decided on the most important boundaries for you and written these down, the next step is to work out how you feel about these. Are they healthy or unhealthy? Write down words next to each that sum up your feelings e.g., safe, positive, pressured, unclear, stressful. Try to reflect on why you feel this way.

Now think about which you want to keep the same, and which you need to make clearer or change. This will identify the areas where you need to focus on maintaining positive boundaries.

Exercise Two

Naming your boundaries is crucial to setting these, but how do we maintain these in our everyday lives, and how do we ensure others do not cross the lines we set? This next exercise^[40] provides sentence starters that can create statements which become our everyday professional boundaries. Try filling in the following sentences with a few different answers:

People may not…

You might answer this with: “use me as a way to alleviate their anger or frustrations”, “gossip about others near me”.^[41]

To protect myself it is ok for me to…

Boundaries to protect yourself could include: turning off your phone and email between certain times, not having emails on your phone, “changing your mind”,^[42] saying no to a new commitment, or maintaining healthy boundaries with those you support.

I have the right to ask for…

You may wish to ask for “privacy”, “quiet time alone”, “clarification of a criticism”,^[43] extra support,^[44] or more time to complete a task.

To prevent anxiety, stress or depression I need…

These needs may look like: less responsibility at work or in my voluntary role, “positive reinforcement or validation”,^[45] to be given clearer and more direct instructions, to take a lunch break every day, to set a maximum number of groups I can run each month.

Completing these sentences will help you to further understand your boundaries and gain greater self-awareness. Pay attention to the situations in which you feel angry, frustrated, “low on energy, feel butterflies in your stomach, or want to cry”.^[46] These are the situations in which it is likely a boundary has been crossed.

Being able to express your boundaries to others is important. When setting boundaries with those you support, be firm, direct, and clear.^[47]

When supporting people, try to establish boundaries at the very beginning of a relationship. This will make it easier for both you and the person you are supporting to navigate your expectations. Clear boundaries protect both parties; they mean that someone in a position of power does not abuse this power, and that you can maintain some healthy distance between the different parts of your life.

Footnotes

37. 37. These ideas have been adapted from a workshop delivered by MindOut in collaboration with LGBT Consortium around the importance of boundaries while working in the LGBT sector. (Return to reference [37])
    38. Margarita Tartakovsky, PsychCentral (2016) ’10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries’. (Return to reference [38])
    39. This exercise has been adapted from a workshop delivered by MindOut in collaboration with LGBT Consortium around the importance of boundaries while working in the LGBT sector. (Return to reference [39])
    40. Robboy, Caroline “Alex”. ‘Identifying Your Boundaries’. [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [40])
    41. The Self Help Alliance (2010) ‘Building Better Boundaries’ (PDF). [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [41])
    42. Robboy, Caroline “Alex”. ‘Identifying Your Boundaries’. [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [42])
    43. Robboy, Caroline “Alex”. ‘Identifying Your Boundaries’. [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [43])
    44. The Self Help Alliance (2010) ‘Building Better Boundaries’ (PDF). [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [44])
    45. Robboy, Caroline “Alex”. ‘Identifying Your Boundaries’. [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [45])
    46. The Self Help Alliance (2010) ‘Building Better Boundaries’ (PDF). [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [46])
    47. The Self Help Alliance (2010) ‘Building Better Boundaries’ (PDF). [Accessed 08/05/2021] (Return to reference [47])